so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
