i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
