If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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