I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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