It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
