life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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