who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
