tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
