I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
