I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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