I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize