so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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