My sheets look like a crime scene.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
