I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
