I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
