WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
it was like eating out sand paper
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
