I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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