Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so let's talk penis.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
