Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
