i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
