I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
