she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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