the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
