there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
