I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
