oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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