Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Drunk is not a location!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize