On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
