just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
