Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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