i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
