dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
