she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
