tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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