I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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