Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
