went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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