seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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