if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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