I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
