I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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