now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
