every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
