So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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