The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
