Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
