let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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