Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
