I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
