A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
