Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
