I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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