You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
