: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
