i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
