There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
