Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
