Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You're a waste of cheezeits
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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