I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
