Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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