nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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