worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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