I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
They took my balls.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
