Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
