if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize