I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
