it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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