shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize