Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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