if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
