At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
